“When Tears turn into Laughter!!!”

I love heels. At one point I had about 150 something pairs of heals (I kid you not. Ask my momsie if you do not believe me).

I could walk around all day or stand for hours in them torture apparatuses. I don’t know why us(women) put ourselves through such pain but then again beauty is pain…no be so!!.

Like thousands of women out there I love shoes, especially those ankle breaking high monstrosities(I am going to hate on them so as to sooth my heart). It was heart breaking when my feet stopped accommodating high heals. I could no longer walk in them. Heck I could no longer walk. The pain had gotten worse!!!.

I remember queueing at a Subway one day(I have a love hate relationship with Subway.. I love their sandwiches but my wallet and hips hates them.) Anyhu as I was standing there perfectly minding my own business and thinking about what sandwich to order, even though I always always……… order the same sub, I fell.

Yes ooooohhh I don’t deh fall down sha!!!!. My legs gave in and I found myself examining their floor, which was really clean.

It took a while for me to compose myself. Now you might call this karma and truth be told it is because I’m one of those people that laugh(kindani) when I see someone fall, so naturally I had to laugh at myself. For a minute people around me thought I had escaped from a mental institution where it not for the fact that I looked prime and proper(I’m not saying that mad people don’t look good, I mean I looked like reeeeeeeeeeally good!!). I was glad to make it back home safe and sound but that episode scared my mama. Every time I went out she would call me every 5 minutes to check up on me. Big old me turned into a child in what seemed like overnight.

I could no longer wear my heals!!!!!!

I could no longer walk around without having to worry about the state of my legs. The pain was becoming unbearable. Every single step  felt like I was walking on pins and needles.

When I finally could not take it, I called my personal physician who made sure I got an appointment with a neurologist. A week before the appointment I was admitted.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was in my room watching series when my bladder decided it needed to be emptied. When I got out of bed to “walk” to the bathroom, I collapsed.


I lifted myself up, sat on my bed and tried to stand up and again my feet failed me. I called my mom from downstairs and asked her to come help me go susu. She did not understand why I needed help getting to the bathroom.

“MAMMIE SIWEZI TEMBEA”(mom I cannot walk)!!! I kept shouting that as she walked up the stairs. She tried to lift me up and since I was dead weight I fell. She tried it again and this time around we both fell. Tears turned into laughter and laughter turned into panic. After a few minutes we called my brother who arrived  20 minutes later. My little bother carried me like a little baby to the bathroom. This man that I used to bath when he was little was now carrying me to go susu………… Me Salome had to rely on my little brother just to go pee!!

We decided it was time to call for help!!!!

1 doctor, 5 medics, a whole loooooooot of tears and  laughter later I was at Martini Hospital, admitted at the Neurology wing. The pain I was experiencing was so intense that I could not cry anymore… I was out of tears. All I could do was laugh. Every touch, movement, poke or pinch was met with laughter. Now I know I’m crazy but I had to explain to the doctors that I had been in so much pain and cried soo sooooooo much that I was out of tears. The only reaction I could conjure up was laughter.

I was laughing!!!. It seemed odd but  here I was laughing. I was laughing because FINALLY my pain was going to be acknowledged. Someone was going to perform tests on me. I was going to be probed and poked. I wanted to be poked and probed!!!!!! I wanted someone to tell me what was wrong with me.

I had cried enough!!! It was enough!!!

I had no more tears left…..

My tears had turned into laughter.



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Back To Normal??!!!!

I am PRO modern medicine….I really am.

I’m also PRO Google.

Ya’ll need to have a good relationship with Google.

I Google everything!!!!!! Heck I even Google how to exist, how to wake up happy or how to smile. That’s how much I value Google. So when I was told I had cancer I ran to Google. When My surgeon told me that I needed Chemotherapy……………I ran to Google.. When my Oncologist told me that I was going to need Combination Chemo………..you guessed it……. I ran to google!!!!

After my chemo sessions were over I thought that my life would go back to normal and I would be one of those people who write testimonials (well I do but not in the way I’d hoped to) all over facebook with the caption “Type Amen”.

Mmmhhhhh Normal!!!!!???? Does life ever get back to “Normal” after  it’s been turned upside down???

I remember waking up to what seemed like an anomalous type of pain.. (Chaeee yes nah…..  I know how to use Thesaurus which I googled.) During the 7th Chemo session my Oncologist asked me if I was experiencing tingling sensations on my toes and fingers. These sensations are supposed to disappear/subside a week or so after the drip chemo. Because they had not it was decided that my chemo dosage would be reduced.

A week before my 8th session I got a phone call from my Oncologist. He wanted to know if I was tingling sensation free. I was not and that is how my Chemotherapy sessions were cut shoot.

Around July 31  the tingling sensations on my feet  started getting worse. I called my Oncologist and he more or less brushed it off. He reminded me that it was a side effect of chemotherapy. I tried to explain to him that the feeling was no longer your “run-of-the-mill” type of feeling. I was pain!!! It was getting more and more difficult to walk. I could no longer sleep through the night because my blanket felt like it weighed a ton. My feet felt like they were getting stifled by my clothes and shoes.

Can you imagine that??? Feeling like you are getting asphyxiated by a pair of socks????

There are some things that are IMMENSELY hard to explain and the pain  I was going through was one of those things.

Now I love Doctors…… I really do but I feel like at times they have to check in their feelings and emotions at the door. Since they deal with so much it would be stupid to expect otherwise. You are seen as a paycheck and the sad fact is you are a paycheck. Don’t get me wrong, like I said I’m pro modern medicine, but I’m also pro slapping a doctor back to reality. At least that is how I felt about my Oncologist.

My Oncologist ya’ll!!!!!!!That man was soooooooooooooooooo…………. fudging annoying. We kept making calls after calls about my  new found pain and all we got was: “Give it  time, it will  get better”. In the meantime the pain was becoming unbearable. I remember my mom and I sitting at his office asking him for the umpteenth time why the “tingling” sensation was no longer restricted to my feet.. ” Why is it that the pain is now up to her knees?” asked my mom. I had to calm her down and let the poor doctor  answer because my sweet mama was about to go all Bruce Lee on him. Again he told us that we needed to give it time. “Some of these side effects take up to a year before they subside”, was his favorite phrase.

Pain is such a strange concept.

We think we know pain but we don’t. My surgery was all levels of laborious and I thought that I was never ever eveeeeeeeeeeeer going to experience pain again. Boy was I wrong!!!!!!!!!!!

My new found pain was creating non fleek moments in my life. I would wake up with new and different types of pain.

It was super super annoying having to go through life not knowing what to expect. I was not sure what was happening and worse still my doctors were not giving me answers.

I remember breaking down a few times. I would pray to Jehovah to give me the strength to deal.

was put on pain medicines that were strong enough to knock down a horse…or two.

I was told to give it time. To be patient. Things were going to get back to “Normal”.

In the meantime my life was changing right in front of my eyes. I was loosing track of what I used to percieve as  “Normal”.

My new “Normal” was not covering my legs while I slept because my blankets were too heavy. I could no longer wear heels, tight clothes or drive.

“Back to Normal”, they said!!!!!!!




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1.064 Pills Later!!!

I have about 13000 fotos on my phone. I spent the better part of my morning going through them, selecting 700 pictures to delete then acidentally “UNSELECTING” and having to do it all over again (ggggggrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!)  At some point I started to wonder why I was torturing myself and then I remembered….. There are two specific pictures I wanted to share with you.”  

Chemotherapy has alooooooooooooooooooooooot of side effects. Yeeeeeees I know there is the nausea, allergy to cold things or metal surfaces, not to mention reverting back to when you were a nappy wearing todler (Seriously you do). There is something very humbling about wearing a diaper as an adult… I know there are weired people out there that have Paraphilic infantilism,( also known as autonepiophilia and adult baby syndrome) buuuuuuhhh I am not one of them. If you do not know what I mean just watch TLC!!!!!!!…

Now that aside, Chemo has a few great side effects. I am not kidding you it does!!!!

Please hear me out because I am very serious.

We have established that Chemo is toxic. It kills all the cells in your body. The good cells reproduce and the bad cells (cancer) die. So picture this…………. All the cells in your body have died. Now your body will start making new cells (It’s like a snake that sheds off its skin). My skin would dry up and shed and I would get a new soft layer of skin… How cool is that!!!!!!!!!!

 Do you know how much money women pay for such kind of treatments/products? Do you???????????    

Women have a 1001 products that promise to deliver a younger you that looks rejuvinated and stress free. Every few weeks my face would glow. I did not need to scrub my face with clay, sand or whatever soil it is us women smear on our faces. 

Ooooohhh eeeeemm geeee, I have just had a light bulb moment…. When I was young I used to love the rainy season, especially when we were in shags(the village). The ground would soften up, we would run outside, collect clay, sit  at the veranda and start making clay statitutes. I remember how soft my hands would feel afterwards.

For those of us that loved to play with clay, we were exfoliating our hands without even knowing it. Now we know that clay is great for our skins so my questions is: Why is it that no one has gone to shags, collected clay, mixed it with a little bit of our white coastal sand, some shea butter, coconut oil and voila your very own line of Clay scrub!!!!!

During Chemo I did not have to spend a single cent on pedicure. No amount of  Vaseline Petrolium Jelly  could prevent the skin on my feet  and hands from drying out . All I needed to do was peel it off. That was sooo gratifying because the new skin was as soft as a babies bum (the vaseline might have helped :-). 
Chemo had messed up my system. For 6 months my body was all types of cray cray.

I was popping pills, throwing up, soiling myself, crying, experiencing different and unpleasant pains, cursing, sleeping on floors, wearing diapers and snapping at total strangers,

November 14th 2014 was a life changing day. I walked into my family doctors office with a stomach ache but little did I know that my life was about to change. I spend a week at the hospital and walked away thinking that I had an infection in my intestine. Chaleeeee Infection kene!!!!. It was Cancer…. You deh hear em??? Na Cancer I get , not an infection!!!!!

Now 7 months and an  operation later I was finally done with my Chemo sessions…

Chemo no be small ting ooohhhh!!!. My friends believe me when I tell you that!…..

I did not have all my sessions and a  part of me was sooo sooo very happy about that. Little did I know that my happiness would not last. I told you that session number 7 would forever change my life and it did.

July 31st at 8pm as I swallowed pill number 1064 I shed a tear. I had not chosen this journey,,,,,,,,,,,,this journey had chosen me!!!!

As I swallowed that last pill I looked back at my life and amidst my tears I smiled. I had made it. “Jehovah thank you for standing by my side” I murmered as I swallowed it.

1064 pills seems like a like a lifetime ago. What I wouldn’t give to go back to when 1064 pills was the least of my problems. 

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Tears Of A Parent!!!!!!

I have been trying to write this article for a while now. It is by far the most difficult article I have ever had to write. Why??? Because I have to tell you how my mama wept and if there is anything I  abhor it’s seeing a parent, any parent shed tears.

Through this Chemo journey my mama had been in Kenya. We talked on the phone and saw each other just after my second session. She had gone through Chemo as well so she had an idea of what I was going through. She came back to Holland a week before I had my 7th session. She did not feel like she could stay in the room with me as I went through Chemo. As much as I wanted her there with me I understood her apprehension.

I have talked about Chemo for a while now. The pain gets worse with each session and so does the nausea and all those other fun side effects. Session number 7 was not going to be less fun. In fact I was looking forward to that other fun moment where I had to rush to the toilet dragging my IV pole behind me. It always felt like some weird olympic game.
Will I make I make it to the fun little ladies room before:
1. Throwing up all over the floor or
2. Soiling my grandma undies??!!! (It helps to visualise it in an Olympic setting)

We started the day with our usual rituals. I went easy on the makeup. I was anticipating hotflashes and tears so I exed the mascara. Mom on the other hand was not as cheerful as the rest of us were. She drove us to the hospital, walked with us to my hotel room and then  decided to stay. My heart sunk!!!! I did not want her to stay. I knew how the whole experience was going to hurt us both. Her emotionally and me well…………………take a wild guess!!! 

Now this is where my life as we know would change….. This is the moment eeeeeeerrrrrrthaang started coming into place. I went through the usual 101 questions. Then they asked me “Do you have any tingling sensation in your finger tips and toes?” My answer was “YES”. Immediately a call was made to my oncologist and a Doctor was send my way to lower the dosage of the chemo medicine. One would think that I would have swirled through the treatment but one would be wrong!!!! Very wrong.

This is why I could not bring myself to finish this article. My mom started to tear up. I could see the pain in her eyes. To see her that way hurt me more than the treatment. I never ever ever want to see my mom cry. When she could no longer hold back her tears she left the room.

After she came back to the room I tried my best to hide the pain. My pain would bring pain to my Mama and that in turn would pain me even more and the circle would continue.. I kept praying to Jehovan to give me the strength to take it all in. I remember telling my mama that everything was going to be fine. So far Jehovah had held our hands through it all. As long as we held on He was not going to let go…                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         


I will forever remember this Session. It’s the session that changed my life in so many ways.

It was the first session that my mama witnessed and the pain in her eyes was heartbreaking. I was more than grateful to Jehovah for keeping her alive to cry with me but above all to laugh with us and hold my hand through the rest of this journey!!!

*See that white can/jug/mug (or whatever) that my mom is carrying??? That was my cuddle buddy after each session. We got a few. Everytime I threw up in one we would dispose it outside because my puke and pee were toxic. Of not properly dispossed they had the potential to turn someone into a super hero. Spiderman was bitten by a radioactive spider no be so???? I was toxic…… Do not correct me!!!!!! I had the power to turn someone into a super hero!!!!*

Ooohhhh just one more thing. We had to throw the contents of that white mug outside in our organic trash bin. Snails love that bin. I am sure there is a snail that consumed a teaspoon of those contents and turned into a radioactive snail. So somewhere out there there is a snail that is immune to salt and can’t be stepped on and killed. This snail is so powerful that it can’t be turned into a delicious escargots à la bourguignonne. No one has been bitten yet because at the end of the day it is still a snail…Tooooooooo slow!!!!(Don’t mind me. My mind works overtime)

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I love listening to music… Like loooooooooooove!!!! My earphones are the first things to go into my bag. I panic everytime I dive into my bag only to realise they are not in there. That is when I do something most women know all too well. I empty out my bag, a bag that carries most of my life. I get frantic as I sift through what then seems like unnecessary stuff until I find them. When they are safely in my hands I return  EVERYTHING back in my bag because my whole existence depends on  it all. Really it does!!! No matter how tiny a womans bag is, she will always manage to pull out of it things that will make most magicians/illusionisist jealous!!!”. But that is not what I want to blog about.

I love listening to music when I’m up and about(hence the earphones drama) because it is in those moments that my life makes sense. It is in those moments that I organise my thoughts and feelings and when I am in a good place, it is in those moments  I dance. I love this quote by Rumi.

Dance when you are broken open, Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you are perfectly free”.

Fighting cancer is a battle. It takes over your life. You wake up and sleep cancer. You think and talk cancer. You may not want to but your life suddenly revolves around it. You become your sickness. People start walking on egg shells around you. You can almost see them thinking: “Do we ask her how she is doing? Do we laugh? Maybe we should not look so happy while she is clearly going through a bumpy ride”. *Do you remember that song??? oohhhhh I used to love it*.. Ok,,, focus Sals!!!

Now you all know my Pre Chemo rituals. They involve????? Yep you guessed it……. Dancing.    11354402_10153018798203720_1070446810_o

In the beggining the sessions were shuddersome but with each session my fear subsided and a sense of relief took over. Infact I was looking forward to my sixth session. I woke up blithesome. I decided to wear my long kitenge skirt,(partly because it’s beautiful and partly because I could wear an adult pamper underneath without looking like I belong in 1. A mental insitution and 2. An old peoples home). Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being old or mentally unstable. After last sessions toilet marathon and having to undress, I was not taking any chances……Nope I wasn’t!!! My not so little brother dropped us off at the hospital. Now ladies if he was not taken I would auction him off to the highest bidder. He has turned out well and I am so proud of myself,,, oohh and our mother,,, and him,,, but mostly me(sorry mom but this is my blog)

Billions of billions blue blistering barnacles! Thundering typhoons!. I thought I had gotten used to Chemo. First of all not a single nurse can ever find my veins. No matter how many times I tell them that I usually get sent to the surgery wing for an anestiologist to do it, there is ALWAYS that one nurse that thinks they can hack it…..ALWAYS. I had gotten so used to this that I would slap my hand(to make the veins visible) on their behalf… “Naaahhh no need to slap me around, let me do it for you,,,,Yeeeeeees I’m sure….Slap harder? Suuuuuuure why not!!!”…. They would poke around, tell me how hard it is to find my veins(Duuhhhh told you!!). Another nurse whould  be called, I would get poked around some more and then FINALLY I would get  wheeld the surgery wing.
Then there is that itchy feeling you get when the salt solution starts running through your veins. Everything itches, from my toes to the hairs on my legs, even my teeth itch. Seriously everything itches. The second the Chemo drug hit my veins I thought,  “Hey this is new”. The pain was different. I can’t remember if I cried, but chances are I did. And chances are I did not care. I do however remember being glad  I had decided to rock my kitenge skirt, not because I had to wear a diaper but because it made marathoning(is this even a word?) my way to the little girls room easy. I rememeber having to decide what I wanted to do first, throw up or down. 4 hours later I was on my way home. “Tony pole(sorry) but I think I might have needed a diaper after all, you might need to wash your car”. That’s what I told my brother with a smile on my face because I was a session closer to getting this ordeal over and done with.

I had been dancing in the middle of this battle. I had been dancing as I slowly tore the cancer bandage off. I had been broken open and still managed to dance here and there.

I was looking forward to Dancing because with Jehovash’ s help I had fought and won.

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Pain is relative!!!!!

I know at times it’s hard to read other people’s ordeals and  writting about my journey no be small ting oohh!!!. Don’t get me wrong it’s not always that bad. I mean do you know how many television series are out there???? So trust me staying in bed and watching series is not that bad. Yes chemo was exhausting and there was the occassional pain here and there. That’s how I thought of the pain. No matter how bad it was, it was going to stop. At some point it had to.

I think what used to bother me the most was not being able to play around with lil man. Oooohhh wait stop!!!!!! Before some of you start saying “congratulations” and sijui what not he is not my son. And hold on please!!!!!!! Do not ask me when I will have mine (put that your question in a vault, lock it well well and throw away the key, abi!!).
Now back to little man. He is my brother’s son.

My little ride or die brother  is a blessing. I am so so soooo proud of the man, spouse and father he has become. He was there holding my hand from day 1. He has been my rock, my strength when I was lacking and above all my confidant.  He is such a magnanimous person (See what I did there? I didn’t forget, now thank me and today make sure  you use the word magnanimous in a sentence)
I am in way tooooooo many facebook groups and know that most women are not partial to their sisters in law (SIL). I however I’m not such a woman. When someone is as kind as my brother is, they need to be with an equally kind helpmate. My SIL is an amazing human being. They have been blessed with a bright, positive, loving, cheerful, witty, beautiful son aka “lil man”. Photocopy of his papa, carbocopy of his mama.

This lil man was the reason I kept smiling. No matter how bad things were all I needed was to look into those big beautiful eyes and I would forget my pain. The first week after each session was the worst. The pain and nausea made it  impossible for me to hold or play with him.  At times I felt like he could see how sad I was because he would  sit there looking at me almost like he knew what was going on. Those are the moments that killed me inside.

The more sessions I had the longer it took for my body to recover. Each session was worse than the previous one.  I knew I needed chemo but I did not want to go through it. I wanted it all to be over and done with.


Session number 5 was not met with the usual “let’s kick cancer to pluto” enthusiasm. It would have were it not for the pain that my mind was doing jumping jacks for. I knew that the pain woud be worse than the quondam round.

That Friday I woke up  feeling drained but I went through what had now become “our tradition”. Music on blast as I got ready and yes you know it…….. Make up!!!!! You just can’t go to the hospital looking like you are sick. Lazima utoklezee… You need to look good at all times. Even when you are feeling like you got hit by a truck don’t walk around looking like you were actually hit by a truck. Life, lemon’s, tequila, waterproof mascara and stupid selfies: that’s all that I’m saying.

There should be moments in between gloomy thoughts when you are in a disney movie. Moments that have those annoying happy songs, birds landing on your shoulders and prince charming  cutting his way through thorn bushes. Don’t you hate it when that happens?? I mean back in the village I couldn’t make my way through the shamba without them thorns scratching my legs yet some prince just glides his way through a forest of thorns and comes out on the other side with milky soft skin and a perfect gluteus maximus!!!!!!! So so unfair………….
*end of rant*

Mmmmhhhh,,,, pain… such a relative term don’t you think? I mean before my operation and chemo my worst pain came in the form migraines but once the drip started and the pain hit my system that migraine did not seem like a bad idea.

Every single time I try to describe the pain I felt I get pulled back to that moment and even then I could not describe it. Then came the nausea, the dizzy spells, the hot flashes and those toilet visits that almost had me asking for a diaper. I wanted it to stop, I needed it to stop. I wanted to pull out the drip, I wanted to crawl on the toilet floor and sleep, I wanted everyone to leave me alone. I wanted so many things but most of all I wanted everyone to stop asking me if I was okey. I wanted to shout “Do I seem like I am okey to you? Do people that are ok vomit out their lungs?? Like come on people!!!!

I know they all meant well but I needed it to be over.

Just because the session ended did not automatically mean that I was going to feel better.
The rest of the day was just as bad. On the up side I did not have horse hair anymore so I was free to throw up as ungraciously as I deemed fit.

It was not by my own strength that I was enduring this. And each time I felt like I could not take any more pain, I was reminded that Jehovah was the one waking me up each day and that each day was a day I had made it through what I thought was the most painful day of my life.
Pain….. pppffff such a relative term!!!

So so relative..

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Pain makes us Stronger!!!

             “Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” William Goldman

Chemotherapy is not a walk in the park. Chemo drugs are toxic!!!!!!! They take a brobdingnagian toll on the body (Yes brobdingnagian is a word. I promise it is. Thank me now for teaching you a new word). The more sessions you have the longer it takes for your body to recover. Come to think of it, the body never trully recovers. 2 weeks of medicines then a week off and the cycle starts again. That one week off is not enough for the body to trully recover.

Allow me to get technical. I know it will be kind of boring but bear with me. You can just skim through but I’m hoping you won’t. It’s not that long, Scouts honour.

“Chemotherapies cause harm to the healthy cells in your body as they kill the cancer cells.

There is another way chemotherapies cause damage to users. They are toxic, poisoning your body. Some are much harsher than others, but all are toxic to one degree or another. Usually more than less. The resultant buildup of poisons and toxicity in your body causes the nausea, vomiting, hair loss, fatigue and illness that many experience  with chemotherapy.

For most people the first two rounds of chemotherapy are a breeze. No bad problems. But as chemotherapy continues, the nausea, vomiting, hair loss, fatigue and illness develop.

What happens is that the liver started out being strong enough to handle the chemo toxins. The body sents the toxins to the liver to be removed as it cleans the blood. Which it is supposed to do. And the liver, as it is decently healthy, is able to remove them. 

But at some point it can no longer effectively get rid of the chemotherapy toxins.

The kidneys also attempt to get rid of chemotherapy toxins, but they are not capable of detoxing nasty toxins like chemotherapy toxins, and become damaged by these toxins. Some chemotherapies do cause renal failure. Too much chemotherapy can kill you faster than the cancer would”.

Phhhhheeeeew…. Even I got bored typing that!!!!!. Hopefully you learned something new and now understand why my 3rd hemo session was sooo painful.

The thought of going in for more chemo had me running scared. I was petrified!!!!

And then the time came for my 4th session. I woke up and went through my usual routine. I contoured my face applied blush and even used a waterproof mascara that I had bought just for this occasion. I was not taking any chances, I mean do you know how one looks like when she she cries and her mascara runs??? I did not want to look like I stepped out of a horror movie!!!!.
This time around I was not worried about throwing up elegantly. I had gotten rid of the horse hair that had occupied my head before and was now rocking short hair although no by choice. My hair had fallen off. The little that was left made me look like I had Alopecia(not making a mock of people that suffer from alopecia). I rock short hair so I wasn’t sad to chop it off.

My entourage was there to offer moral support. I went through the pre-chemo routine, had a few laughs with the nurses, took a few sefies(Now I know you all love selfies so don’t act like you don’t!!!). To be honest my heart was throbbing. I was so not ready to be in pain. It was going to hurt  that much I was sure of. The anticipation of pain is sometimes just as bad as the actual pain.

I want to say that my stomach was in a knot but I was missing a large chunk. I did not have enough stomach to tie a knot. 🙂

The session was awful. At some point I had no idea what to do with my life. My whole body was itchy and when I say my whole body I mean my whole body!!! Even my hair,,, Like seriously my hair itched plus other places that I cannot mention here so I will not.

And then the nausea kicked in, without any warning and it kept kicking in. Then came the running stomach. Getting to the little girls room took forever. I decided to camp there because I had no idea what was going to come out of which opening. Theeeeeen came the dizzy spells. I was also sweating like a pig(Who came up with that saying???? A pig does not even sweat!!!). All I wanted was to lay on the toilet floor and wake up when it was all over.

I was a mess but thanks to my waterproof mascara I still looked good. I was hot and in a mess… I was a hot mess(hahahahahaha).

Once back in bed the nurse decided to give me more anti-nausea medicine. It did not help. Neither did the dose after that. Chemo was done but I had to stay a while longer. I was not getting better no matter how much they tried. I remember yelling(in a soft voice since I did not have strength to really yell) at the nurse and telling her to let me go home. I was cold but sweating. I was dizzy. I was in pain. I wanted to go home.

They finally allowed me to go home. Yeeeeeesss…………………………….

Once home I ran to my room, well more like walked quickly. Everything hurt. It was cold outside and that had a monumental effect on my body . The pain was crazy. I was shaking, crying, cold and tired. I decided to take a warm shower thinking it was the perfect way to warm me up. Boy was I wrong. I experienced a new kind of pain the minute the water hit my body. Water hurt. Just how crazy is that!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ran out and dived back in bed, wet and in tears. The next few days nilijipiga passport.

It’s funny……..The thing that is meant to make you better is the same thing that hurts you. But then again Jehovah does NOT allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear. He will ALWAYS make a way out so that we can be able to endure.

So what is a little pain, or nausea, or feeling and looking like a hot mess?????

The really rough, bad, ghastly, horrendous things that we go through in life end up shaping us, they end up making us stronger, tenacious. Embrase those moments. Learn from them afterall,,

We have to go through pain to Grow!!!



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Cry…..It’s good for the soul!!

Saying goodbye to my mama was heart breaking but at the same time I was so happy and blessed to have spent 4 amazing weeks with her. I had met new people, reconnected with old friends and really had the best vacation ever. Most of them knew about my battle but did not treat me like a sick person. I kept hearing “Mbona hukai mgonjwa” and my reply was always “nani mgonjwa!!”

My second chemo session had been a walk in the park. Maybe it was the sun or my mama or the splendiferous(yeeeees it’s a word) food or the company. Whatever it was I was feeling better than I had in months.

At the airport I hugged my mama and told her I loved her. She was not going to see me cry, I was not going to. I checked in, waved goodbye and saw her fade away. Then I felt this sharp piercing pain in my heart. I did not want to leave, I was not ready to leave, but I had to. In Kenya I had not had time to think about being sick, life there did not let me think. But now I was going back, back to chemo, back to medicines, back to the cold. When it’s cold, it gets dark quickly and people are  less happy. I did not want to go back to that.

Once I was seated I made a few calls and said goodbye to my mama and my friends.

It was time to leave. I said a prayer an asked Jehovah to take care of my mama.

The moment the plane took off I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I was leaving my home, The place were my mama was. I was in a disconsolate frame of mind during the whole flight.

And then we landed………..

It was winter. Every thing looked cold, dark and gloomy. The trip back home was almost as long as the flight. I got home 6 hours after landing(usually the train trip is 2 hours 20 minutes). Now I am a very peaceful person but that day my alter ego came out. Woe unto anyone that dared cross me.

I was back home on the 30th of March and my next chemo session was going to be on the 3rd of April. I had a few days to settle in and go through my mail. You would think these people will leave you alone but Nooooooo…….. bills after bills. I wanted to board the next flight back to Kenya.

Normally I write a whole post and dedicate it to my treatment. Like I did about the first session. 2nd session I was super woman travelling and being merry. My mind was in denial. Denial because I thought that the first session is always the worst. Denial because the second session was a walk in the park. I had those two sessions in mind when I was in front of the mirrior contouring(it takes alot of work to look flawless) my face as I got ready for my third session.

When I got to the hospital I was shown into my room. The nurse had a hard time finding a vain to insert the drip. I was taken to the anastheologist’s wing. The anesthesiologist kept wiggling the needlle back and forth. She made me feel like I was a turkey that was being basted. She also kept telling me that “Your skin is different, we are not used to it”. She  finally got the vain and I was wheeled back to my room.

So,,,, eeeuuuhhmmm. What or how do I describe my third session?? Actually I can decribe it in one sentence… Just one!!!!!!. It will sum up how the session went the minute the drip started.


The pain was out of this world. I cried till I couldn’t cry anymore. And when I was done crying, I cried some more. In between the sobs was the nausea. They gave me medicine against the nausea but they could not help me with the pain. 4 hours of non stop crying.

Eeeehhhh wacha tu!!!!! The make up I wasted that day, I looked like a clown. Mascara running down my face,,,,all the make up around my eyes gone,,concealer stopped concealing. They should have tear proof make up because Tufiakya if you are caught in the rain after 2 hours of applying make up that makes you look like you are in a witness protection programme. Walking down the street and even the people looking for you have no idea it’s you yet you are standing right next to them.

After a day in the hospital I still had two weeks of chemo drugs. The first week was  spent elegantly throwing up… ok as much as that was my intention, there  is no way to elegantly throw up. But a girl can try!!

There is no shame in crying,,,, none at all.

“It’s my party and i’ll cry if I want to, cry if I want to. You would cry tooo if it happened to you”.  Remember that song???? If you have never watched problem child you should. Anyway  it was my party and I cried my heart out.

That was my third session in a nutshell. I cried. Did I feel better? No I did not. It was still cold. I was still in pain. I was not going to host a dinner party or travel.

I cried. That’s all I did. They say crying is good for the soul. I cried. 3 hours. Who cries for 3 hours????? That much crying has to be good  for the soul.

It has to be.

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I’m coming home Mama!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A friend of mine uses the term “born 90’s” to describe those beautiful female creatures of God who do or say weird things. You know things like: “Oooohhh my Gwaaaaaash, hebu just imagine like my phone broke.. Haki I’m like soooo depressed”. I don’t recal ever talking like that but I was at one time clinically depressed. It didn’t take my phone breaking to get depressed but I was. I remember boarding a bus to go attend a group meeting but never making it because I had a panic attack. The driver had to stop the bus, get me out, sit me on a pavement and do some breathing exercises. It was exam week. I’m sure most of the students were happy with the turn of events. They had spend the weekend clubbing instead of studying and here comes little old me making traffic stop and causing them to miss their exams. How could I?? 

I know how it feels like to be depressed. I know how it feels like to have a panic attack, to feel like everything is closing in on you. A week before my second chemo session I had a panic attack. I had just talked to my mom in kenya. She wasn’t feeling well. I felt so helpless and when the tears started flowing they could not stop. There are people in my life that are priceless and because of them I found myself packing my bags to go see my mama. I was going to travel THE day of my treatment….. Yes you heard me the day I was having chemo. The session took place in the morning and by 6pm I was on my way to the airport.(Allow me to apologise to the script writers I bashed on my last post. It is possible to have chemo and then go host a perfect dinner party.)

“I’m coming home” kept playing in my head. I have no idea how the chemo went thanks to the adrenaline shooting through my system. I arranged it with the doctors so that my rest week would be extended. I know my hand was painful and  breathing was hard, but I DID NOT CARE. I kept telling my body to stop misbehaving, like it or not I was going to travel. I wanted to suprise my mama but those incompetent people at the booking office sent the e-ticket to my moms email adress. “Aaaaaaahhh well who cares.. Naenda kuona mama”

Bags packed, passport(check), laptop(check), phone(check), medicines(check), my head(check)…. “I’m coming home mama,,,,,,I’m coming home”.

My flight was smooth. I tried my best not to drink alot of fluids because the first two days after chemo my pee is toxic. Hahaahhhahahhhahaha “I’m toxic” by Britney just popped in my head..and She was in a plane, wasn’t she??? When I couldn’t hold it in any longer I talked to the cabin crew. They were awesome. They gave me my own privet bathroom. KLM staff was just amazing. Nothing bothered me, not even the drunk guka trying to hit on me, making unwanted jokes about my hair and inviting me to Eldoret for a “fun” weekend. Eish that man could drink!!!!!

The minute we landed I said a prayer. 

I was in the same area code as my mama… I was going to see my mama… 

The drive to Machakos seemed longer than my flight. I had butterflies in my stomach, no wait it was more like someone was playing around with my insides. When my mama opened the gate and hugged me, I could not stop crying!!!!!!

There she was…. After 2 long years there she was. The woman that had raised us and given us the world. There she stood looking tired and frail. She was a shadow of her old self. I tried to hide the pain that was piercing my heart. All I  wanted to tell her was “Mom I am here and I will take care of you”. In the weeks that followed we took care of each other. They say that laughter is the best medicine and if you have ever met my mama you know she is a hoot. We had moments when we were both under the weather but we still kept laughing. She was my medicine and I was hers. We lifted each others spirits. 

This time around chemo did not get me down. I did not even think about it. I was home. My mind was at peace. Ooooohhh the things my mama and I did…………….. The moments we had just the two of us were amazing. There was a day I had guests over. My mama made us laugh till we could not take it anymore. Up to date my friends still quote her jokes. You see when you meet my mama it will not take long before she has you rolling on the floor laughing(rotfl). If you are a born 90’s and depressed because your phone broke then you need to meet my mama. She will make you forget about your phone. 

4 weeks. 4 weeks is all it took for my mama to change for the better. She transformed from this old and frail woman that had opened the gate for me a weeks earlier. She was now the bubbly, vibrant woman I couldn’t help but love. Everywhere we went people were amazed at how good she looked. I kept hearing comments like: “Eliza you are now driving, you look so much better and lively”. Those statements made my heart rejoice. They made every single day I spent with my mama a blessing. 

I was home. Jehovah had stood by us and after 2 years I was home.. I was with my mama.

*Mama I know you will read this post. Thank you mama for everything. You are the best mother in the whole world and I love  you*.          


(My mama in Kenya, and my mama now. Night and day)

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Reality VS Expectations

As much as doctors/surgeons perform countless surgeries ,they have no idea what the patient goes through. That is why they always make sure you know what the worst case scenarios are.

Before I started chemotherapy I had 2 such talks: one with my Oncologist and the other with a nurse that was going to get me through my first treatment. They explained to me what the side effects of the treatments were. With my treatment baldness was not going to be an issue but hair loss was a possibility. That was the least of my worries because I rock short hair. What was of concern was tingling sensations in toes and hands. If and when I felt that happening I was required to call my Oncologist. “But there is no need to worry.  It might not happen” he said.

Now me being a googler I took to google and made sure I knew what I was getting myself into. Yes I was getting myself into it !!!!!!

Alot of people had advised me against chemo. I got countless inboxes telling me to drink carrot juice for three months. Some told me to take soursop or even just go vegan. Now as much as I believe in eating healthy I also believe in modern medicine.  I was going to make sure I allowed myself to get the best it had to offer. I mean why else have I been paying health insurance for the past 18 years?????  Besides when I was young(like a year ago) I read plenty of stories where people turned orange from drinking/eating too many carrots. TLC(The Learning Channel) also aired such a case, and I tend to believe everything TLC features including the fact that Honey Boo Boo’s mother thinks eating spaghetti with butter and tomato sauce everyday is healthy.

My first treatment was on February 6th. I got all dolled up, my make-up was on point, you know eyebrows on fleek and all that. My patners in crime even packed my favorite foods incase hospital food was not 5 star quality. They say I am always criticizing everything I eat, but that’s not true. It’s hard to critique a slice of bread with cheese and a cup of tea, not that I don’t try)

The first treatment was going to last 3 hours. Now I am an avid watcher of girly series so I was kind of prepared, or so I thought. In such series during chemo one sits down on those massage chairs and has enough time to read tabloid magazines featuring only Kim Kardashian. After the treament she drives herself home and tries to hide the fact that she just had chemo. That is what I expected but the reality was so so soooooooooo different. Your system gets a salt flush that lasts 15 minutes. During those 15 minutes my body itched in places I never thought could itch(I will not go into details) Then came the actual chemo  IV drip.. Oohhhhh boy. I felt like my arm weighed a ton. I could not lift or move it. I can try to decscribe the pain but it’s indescribable. Once the treatment was done I thought I could  get up and go about my business. As soon as I opened my mouth to speak things got real. Bear in mind it was winter time. The cold air was chocking me, I could not speak. I felt like I was going to suffocate. It took two days before I could speak.

My love for girly series was flashed out of my system the minute I left the hospital. Those freaking liars!!!!!  Someone should make those script writters go through chemo. You just can’t write lies. Some of us looked up to those women and lamented “Oohhh I wish I was as strong as Bree(or whomever it is that was receiving treatments). She just had chemo and is in the kitchen ready to host a dinner party”. Lies all of them I tell you!!!!!!

All you want to do is crawl into bed and switch off the world……………….

That day I went through so many profound emotions and in between the emotions I tried to elegantly lean out of my bed and throw up because of the constant nausea. During such moments I was happy that I wasn’t wearing a dead horses hair better know as: A weave/wig. I also kept forgetting that anything cold (water, metal handles on doors or the keypad of my laptop) was like kryptonite to me.

Then there were the oral chemo drugs. I was going to take them for two weeks, have a week off and then the cycle would  commence again.

My expectations were nothing and I mean nothing like the reality. One session in and I was questioning my decision to have chemotherapy.

One thing I knew though was that I did not need to question if Jehovah would hold my hand through it all. He was going to lead the way.

That was just the reality!!!!!!

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